It has been a while since I have discussed the really important news going on in the world.  I have just been far too distracted by silly things such as meta-analyses,  happiness, friends being sued, and civic duty.  Enough of petty things.

It always gets me worried when I see a sudden surge in news about certain subjects.  Keeping an eye out for such trends is the best way to see conspiracies as they unravel.  One such subject has been popping up at an alarming rate: underwear. 

Now, I am not talking about anything to do with Brittany Spears, I am talking about stories about underwear in which the world has gone mad.  OK, that still does not rule out Brittany Spears, but trust me, these stories make Brittany seem like a Magna Cum Laude.

Story #1:

Panty-Clad Man Tries Robbery With Lighter

apu4 A thief covered his face with a pair of blue women's underwear and used a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter in a botched robbery of a convenience store, police said. "I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried," State Police Sgt. T.C. Kearns told The Journal in Martinsburg.

The cashier at first thought it was a joke and refused to give the man any money, so he ran to a Jeep Cherokee and drove away at about 4 a.m. Wednesday, Kearns said.

A few minutes later, police stopped a vehicle matching that description and took two men into custody.

Police later charged Steven Clay Stephenson, 34, of Ranson in the convenience story robbery.

Kearns said police found a pistol-shaped lighter while searching Stephenson. The underwear was recovered nearby.

Stephenson is charged with nighttime burglary, attempted robbery, first-offense driving under the influence, petit larceny and improper registration.

He was being held Thursday at the Eastern Regional Jail. The Berkeley County Prosecuting Attorney's Office had no record of a defense attorney being assigned yet to represent Stephenson.

freebird Typical stupid robber story:  man is dumb, man puts underwear on his head, man points a lighter at someone and asks for money, person laughs at man - typical.  It is nice that they told us the color of the underwear (blue).  I think if he had worn Spider Man underwear on his head they would have taken him more seriously.

They charged him with petit larceny.  Wouldn't that be petite larceny?

What about the lighter?  He probably just wanted to hear Freebird.

Story #2:

L.A. Police Nab Half-Naked Car Theft Suspect

The Arrest Follows A Long, Strange Car Chase

(CBS) LOS ANGELES Police took an unidentified, half-naked, car theft suspect into custody Thursday after he led cops on a chase through downtown streets for nearly two hours.

The driver was seen often tossing what appeared to be clothing and CD's out the car window. When he was finally nabbed, he stepped out of the car clad only in his boxers.

The chase began late Thursday afternoon, and continued for at least two hours.

untitled Through the chase, the suspect led police mostly on surface streets but at one point, on his rims, he led police on the 10 freeway. Police tried the PITT maneuver at least six times but were unable to stop the suspect's vehicle until the chase went on nearly two hours.

Finally, police tried another PITT and the suspect's rear bumper partially came off.  At times during the chase, the suspect was being followed by as many as 15-20 squad cars.  The suspect also had several near misses with cars in his and opposing lanes.

At the conclusion of the chase, the suspect got out of the vehicle (wearing either black underwear or shorts) and he jumped to the ground when a dozen officers wrestled with him on the ground to get him into custody. At one juncture, the suspect was apparently hog tied to get him into an officer's vehicle.

At other times throughout the chase, the unidentified suspect, pumped his hand through the driver's side window. His hand also seemed to be wrapped in a shirt or other article of clothing.

Anchor Harold Greene said, "This is one of the stranger chases we have seen...in a long time."

And he added of the strange pursuit: "This is one for the record books."

20050717-Rocket%20underpants My mother used to tell me that you had to make sure you were wearing clean underwear because you never know if you'll end up in the emergency room.  I was not certain exactly why people in the ER were so picky about underwear cleanliness, (Kim can answer that), but my mom never said anything about the possibility of being wrestled to the ground in front of 15-20 squad cars.  How humiliating.  I hope they were clean.

It remains a mystery as to why this man lead the police on this chase.  Was it because he was embarrassed about the color of his underwear (perhaps he wanted blue underwear, like the previous guy)?  Was just enjoying the simple pleasure of driving with few clothes and CD's flying out the window, only to have the police ruin his clean fun? 

And what of this PITT maneuver?  Did Brad Pitt drive around in his underwear previously, necessitating the invention of a procedure to get him off the road?  Was this procedure perfected in the University of Pittsburgh, where everyone seems to want to drive around in their underwear?  If you can find out for me, please let me know.

The final article really speaks of a world gone haywire:

Man in Underwear Pins Leopard For 20 Min.

By ARON HELLER
Associated Press Writer

JERUSALEM (AP) -- Arthur Du Mosch has averted a cat-astrophe. The 49-year-old nature guide was fast asleep Monday, his family and pet cat dozing beside him, when a larger feline hopped in his bed for a latenight visit - a wild leopard, to be exact.

Du Mosch, 49, a nature guide, didn't flinch. Clad only in underwear and a T-shirt, he lunged at the leopard, grabbed it around the neck, then pinned it down for 20 minutes - until park rangers arrived on the scene.
"This kind of thing doesn't happen every day," he said, plainly. "I don't know why I did it. I wasn't thinking, I just acted."

Raviv Shapira, who heads the southern district of the Israel Nature and Parks Protection Authority, said a half-dozen of the leopards have been spotted near Du Mosch's small community in the Negev desert in southern Israel, "but we have never heard of a leopard coming into a private home," he said.

He said it was food, not curiosity, that lured the cat.  Those who near humans are usually old and weak, and too frail to hunt in the wild, resorting instead to the easier option of chasing down domestic dogs and cats, Shapira added.

Purplepottypeople

Leopards in Israel pose no threat to people and, in fact, this leopard was chasing Du Mosch's cat and not the humans sleeping in the bed, Shapira said. He said the leopard was very weak when captured.
Du Mosch said he probably would not have been able to control the big cat were it in better health. As a nature guide, he said, he was familiar with animals and did his best to hold down the leopard without harming it. He said he took it all in stride, "but the kids were excited."
His young daughter had been in the room at the time because a mosquito in her own bedroom had frightened her, he said.
Nature officials said they were assessing the leopard's health and would soon likely release him back into the wild, after fitting him with a tracking device.

OK, so we are to believe the following:

  1. profile_img1_underoos This guy wasn't phased when he awoke with a leopard in his bed
  2. His daughter was afraid of a mosquito but was excited to see a leopard
  3. They are going to release this leopard out in the wild after being humiliated by a guy in his underwear.  The other leopards surely would laugh him out of the wild.

Unbelievable.  There has to be something they aren't telling us about.  Was he wearing blue underwear?  Did he try the PITT maneuver?  Was he throwing CD's out of his bed, only to draw the interest of a passing leopard?  Perhaps the leopard was drawn to him by the fact that he was wearing underwear with leopard spots on it.  I don't know what the deal is, but his underwear certainly had a different effect on him than the other guys.

All of this leads me to one conclusion:  it's good to wear clean underwear.  You never know when a leopard with a cigarette lighter will jump into your bed and do the PITT maneuver on you. 

Thanks Mom!