We have a cat. hello-kitty-dollar

It took a while for us to get one. We really have been dog people (remember our dog Holly who can sense baloney from drug companies?), but we finally gave into the begging of our youngest daughter. Kittens are cute, but they turn into cats. We actually got two but one of them...well, you know the expression about curiosity? He got into a fight with a bigger animal. Not good. That was a year ago and we have recovered (after many sobs and a little therapy).

Our cat is a load. He likes to wake us up at 5 AM to have us feed him. He likes us to feed him pretty much all of the time. I try to lock him outside, but then he goes and bugs my daughter enough that she lets him back in so she can sleep. I think he is pretty sure that our purpose is to keep him fed. If we don't fulfill this purpose, he gets mad. If he gets mad, he pees on our bed.

ZanderSo between getting a second mortgage to keep the bowl full and finding some trick to get the comforter to stop smelling like cat pee, it has been a hard relationship. My wife is allergic. I am annoyed. The kids still get a kick out of him though, so I can live with it. What power those kids have. I would have FedExed him to Mongolia if it weren't for them.

This past weekend, we noticed that the cat wasn't eating anything, wasn't grooming himself, and had this slimy stuff coming out of his mouth. Further inspection revealed a large ulcer on his tongue. While I relished the thought of him not being able to eat us into a third mortgage and not having fluids to fill his secret weapon, the kids were upset. Since I am no expert on cat tongue diseases and since he really did look like he may not make it through the weekend without being fed, I threw him in the car (no, not literally) and drove to the vet.

Two hours waiting in an exam room (serves me right) on Easter Sunday and $900 later, we have a fixed cat. I hesitated at that much money for a cat that pees on the bed, but I love my kids, so I put down the MasterCard. They don't know what caused the ulcer, but he is on several antibiotics, Carafate, and an NSAID. I guess they didn't read my antibiotic handout.

So now we have to get the cat to take the medicine. Not fun. While I was searching on the web for tips on how to give pills to cats, I ran across the following instructions. I don't know who made it first - it is all over the web, though. So if you have read it, bear with me - it is really worth it.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

By the way, the picture at the top is from Hello Kitty Hell, a nice new site I found.

I hope I have no more tales to tell about this cat. I hope he is so grateful for my sacrifices that he goes on a diet and does Kegal exercises. Perhaps he has reformed.

I doubt it. I think he saw me put that stuff in his food....