hotpotato Welcome to the incredibly confusing Grand-Rounds fiasco. If you have not seen parts 1-5, then you are really missing something! If you are here first, then shame on you. You must be one of those people who read the last chapter of the book before you finish. Shame... Go to Grunt Doc if you want to start at the top. Really, you should.

evel-knievel-crash So GR has crash-landed on my blog. Most unfortunate. I was actually planning on writing a post about mutants, but then suddenly this grand rounds thing shows up on my doorstep. I really didn't expect it. I had prepared so many things for my mutant post, that it really upset me.

But I refuse to let such unexpected turns dissuade me from my mission to educate my readers about mutants. I cannot let down my readers. So I will do my segment of GR in the mutant spirit (the thought brings a tear to my eye). So here it is:

MUTANT GRAND ROUNDS

1. The Danger of Mutants

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It would seem that we all would be afraid of the penetration of mutants into our world. But many don't understand such dangers are here in our midst. Mutant animals pose a terrible danger for the helpless segments of our society, such as children (as displayed on the right - the one without the horns) and elderly.

Just as mutant goats are a danger to our children by trying to beat their brains out, waiting times are an especially bad problem for a medical office. Ian Furst at the Wait Time & Delayed Care Blog (which is kind of like mutant medical care) gives advice for zeroing in on workflow. He does a brilliant analysis of the factors that can lead to patient dissatisfaction. He does not, however, give any advice for self-defense from aggressive goats. Nuts.

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Another great danger is the way in which mutants are infiltrating our society. They are right here among us. I was just walking down my street and snapped this picture as this llama stuck it's head out of the car. What was scarier was the dog driving the car. These unusually intelligent animals are moving right in to our neighborhoods, trying to fit in (like sleeper cells), only to rise up against us when we are least suspecting. This llama tried actually gave me the hoof as he and the dog sped away. It gives me chills to think about it.

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On the same subject is a post by Tara C. Smith of Aetiology (what a fancy way to spell it!) who writes about looking at the synergy of the medical and veterinary professions and the use of this synergy to understand the spread of diseases, etc. Interesting stuff, and useful too. Especially when those sleeper cells awaken. We need all the help we can get.

2. How Big a Problem?

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The question many of you may be asking is: How big of a problem is this mutant situation? Is it just one of those conspiracy-theory things like that whole man-on-the-moon nonsense, or should I really take it seriously? I have to say, I sometimes am skeptical when scare tactics are thrown my direction, but I have to say that this is a huge problem. The dangers these mutants pose are beyond description.

The same can be said for insufficient screening for colon cancer. This is raised in the blog On the Wards. Who is to blame for such poor screening in our society? Katie Couric? Alan Thicke? Nick Genes? No, it is the physician who need to be identifying those at risk and encouraging colonoscopy.

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Yes, this is a picture of Hogzilla, a large pig that was shot in my home state. You may not realize it, but there are probably very large animals in your state. This is terrifying. Imagine having a 600 pound squirrel running on your roof. Imagine a mammoth seagull letting go and hitting your windshield. The scenarios are wholly unnerving.

Dr. Wes asks us to use our imaginations as well, asking us to imagine a world without Medicare. OK, that is not nearly as scary as the mutant animals, as he points out. In fact, it may not be at all a bad thing. It sure would beat being chased by poisonous killer slugs.

3. Not Just Animals

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Reading this, you may think that the problem of mutants is limited to the animal community. No dice. Mutations are happening in all areas of creation. They are a result of genetic experiments of evil scientists funded by the major multi-national corporations like Hasbro and Shop-Vac.

You may be surprised when you see just where the mutations are occurring, like the half man, half vegetable mutant pictured on the right. In this case, the scientists took a human egg and crossed it with a very large asparagus. Just who would allow their child's genes to be mixed together in such a hideous way? It defies the imagination.

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Sandy over at Junkfoood Science shares other scary information on how your genetic information may be used (or mis-used). Do employers have access to your code? Can insurance companies deny coverage be denied due to your genetic risk? Scary stuff.

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Almost as scary as the mutation gone bad of a smurf as pictured above.

HRPufnstufEven those innocent TV characters we all loved as kids are corrupted through evil mutations. This is all reminiscent of the predictions of such writers as Aldous Huxley, who wrote the book Brave New World. It is a brave new world we live in, where children can be attacked by mutant goats or mutant...uh....that thing on the right...I am not sure what it is, but that child does look terrified.

Terrified too we should be of the brave new world of medicine outlined by Henry Stern over at InsureBlog. Are insurers really going to stop paying for all that high-tech medicine? It seems so.

4. A Call to Action

So I ask you to stop hiding from this problem. Mutants are cropping up everywhere. But there is still hope. We can mount up a defense against such a huge threat. We can fight back.

I present to you: Robo-Goat.

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Yes, this creature is only able to eat losing lottery tickets (I wonder what he does with the winning ones), but this is just the start of a robot army we can make to fight the mutants.

JC Jones of Health Observances takes up the call to action in highlighting National Youth Violence Prevention Week. Truly a noble cause: to protect innocent youth from the horrors of violence that is so prevalent in our society.

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Much in the same way this robot Chuck E Cheese is protecting this child.

DSCF0680Huh? Oh, no! There is a scratching sound at my door! I hear mooing...and bleating....and large human vegetable kind of sounds (hard to describe).

I need help in this emergency!

Who can I call?

Where can I turn?

Ahh! I think I smell a giant cucumber about to attack!

I know! I will call Kim at Emergiblog!!! Please follow me over there!

Before it's too late....

Addendum: Yes, this was a fun April Fool's frolic, which included the genius of Grunt Doc, Dr. Val, David Williams, Nick Genes, Dr. Anonymous, Nurse Kim of Emergiblog, and the token fool: me. It was an incredible pleasure to work with these wonderful bloggers.

Hope your 1st of April was foolish.

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