Mad at your doc?  Frustrated at being made to wait?  Allow me to let you in on ten secret ways to really get under your doctor's skin.  These tried and true techniques are sure to bring down even the best meaning physician.

  1. sleepyTalk about your cousin who is also their patient, but don't ever say their name.  This is even better if you don't have a cousin.
  2. Call all of your children by names that have nothing to do with their first, middle or last names.  For instance, if your child's name is "George W Bush", call them "Sally-Jo."
  3. If you hurt your left hand or have a pain in your left ear, alternate saying "left" and "right."  When he asks, get annoyed like you are saying the same side.
  4. Page her at 2 AM to ask for something to help sleep.
  5. Body fluids.  Bring them in by the gallon.
  6. Call in for refills on medications you have not taken for 2 or 3 years.
  7. 95029222qu3Go to the local child rental agency and rent 3-4 preschoolers to have in the exam room with you.  Make sure to give them plenty of caffeine.
  8. Circle every item on the review of systems, as at some time in your life, you have had those symptoms.
  9. Have your teenage boy capable of only mumbling "uh-uh-oh" (I don't know) and "nuh-un" (Nothing) or your grandpa who has fairly advanced dementia come into the office unaccompanied.  Make sure there is no way to reach other family members.
  10. Use lots of Ben Gay.

Take my word for it, these are really tried and true.