You may have noticed that there is a lot of interest in two issues these days: the woes of the healthcare system and the economy. We in the south have especially felt the sting of this with the aggressive anti-smoking tactics taken by the government. After being sent the following picture from an astute reader, I realized we may have a solution to both problems:
The use of enemas has dwindled in the mainstream of medicine, and I think it is high time we looked again at the practice. I did some more research into tobacco enemas and found the following uses:
- Resuscitation of drowning victims. I am not sure how it worked in this capacity - perhaps if you squeeze the bellows really hard.
- It can serve as a means of artificial respiration. No more having to put your mouth on the nasty lips of a person in respiratory failure; just insert the bellows, light the tobacco, and presto!
- Treatment of constipation. Even if it stays in there, it may smell better.
- Treatment of cholera. In this case, the risk to the one administering the enema is substantial.
- Treatment of convulsions. Not sure how you could hit your target, though.
Wow! You can do all that, and you can save the tobacco industry all in one magic puff on the bellows! Are you listening, Mr. Obama??
Then I started thinking about industries that could be saved through the increased use of enemas. Well, luck would have it that I happened on to the incredible website, Natural Cure through Enema. The author lists the following types of enemas:
- Coffee Enemas - Make sure you use regular coffee instead of instant. It detoxifies the liver. I hate it when my liver gets toxic! I suppose if you have a problem with bad-smelling flatus, you can use hazelnut coffee. Your friends will be thrilled.
- Lemon Juice Enemas - Just gets the poop out, but makes it smell lemony fresh.
- Yogurt Enemas - helps replace the harmful bacteria and replaces it with good bacteria, and can prevent cancer. No more yucky and expensive colonoscopy. It also can give a wide range of flatus smells, ranging from strawberry banana, to coconut cream pie. You'll be the hit of the party and make Jamie Lee Curtis happy while you are at it!
- Garlic Epsom Salt Enemas - For those out there who don't want to smell fruity, this enema gives people two reasons to avoid you. You can't blame it on your dog, but you can blame it on Tony Panini in the cubicle next to you.
- Milk Enemas - I can just picture a whole new set of "Got Milk" ads!
I also found mentions of:
- Cold Enemas - Can help treat fever as well as ulcerative colitis. This doesn't support an industry, but it may be fun to pick up as a hobby.
- Herbal Enemas - I found one product called Colonix that boasted 40 different herbs. This made me wonder if anyone had tried a KFC enema. I couldn't find any references, but I sure would like to support the Colonel.
- Bentonite - Another product called the Almighty Cleanse boasted the presence of bentonite. I wondered if this would perhaps be a bad idea if you were a super hero, but they didn't mention anything about it negating super powers. With a name like Almighty Cleanse, it would tend to attract the superhero type.
So look at all the good you can do the economy while making sure your liver doesn't have any of those pesky toxins! I think it's a way to pass out of this economic hole we are in. We can purge our economy of all the toxic fear and unemployment. Let's start a new movement.
So listen up, all you who criticize the alternate medicine purveyors! They are doing more for the economy than we are and they have way less liver toxins to boot! We should be ashamed.
Heck, I even saw that Dr. Oz has his own enema system. That should make Oprah happy; and you know how important that is to me.
Readers please note that this is entirely "tongue in cheek." Bad choice of words. I DO NOT recommend any of these enemas.