Proceedings from the Congressional Golden Llama Committee


The congressional Golden Llama Committee is called to order, his honorable congressman Paul Ryan presiding

Ryan (R-WI): Welcome back from your August vacation, fellow committee members.  I hope the town hall meetings about the Golden llamas were not too raucous in your district.

(Laughs from committee members and the large gallery at the proceedings)

Ryan:  We are here again to discuss who merits a Golden Llama award.  As a personal note, I think that Golden Llamas should be a right all Americans can enjoy.  It is basic and fundamental, and consistent with the views of our founding fathers, that Americans should have access to the honor and prestige this award brings.

Joe Wilson (R-SC): YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Ryan:  Not yet, Mr. Wilson.  You are supposed to do that when the Democrats talk.

Max Baucus (D-Mont): With all due respect, Mr. Ryan, we as a committee have yet to produce anything except an excessive amount of press coverage.  We need to move on to the task at hand and stop the partisan bickering.

Wilson: YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Ryan:  Good boy, Joe.  OK, now we need to consider the candidates for this award as outlined in the speech by President Obama.

Wilson: YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Ryan:  Enough, Mr. Wilson.  We need to get this moving or the blog post will go on forever.  Readers only have so much patience for this, you know.  Here to present the nominees is Vice President Joe Biden.  Mr. vice president?

Biden:  Thank you, Mr. Chairman.  In conjunction with the opinion of the American public, the CDC, and the capricious whims of an unnamed blogger, the current names have been put forth as worthy recipients for the coveted Golden Llama Award:

The first recipient is Gary, who submitted the following title for the caption contest: "Borat to Bruno: I am hearing healthcare is really not in America."

(Guffaws erupt in the meeting hall)

The second is Middle Aged Lady (no link provided), who clearly was enraptured by the picture, writing:

  • "Gosh – you’re a hottie!"
  • "Well I KNEW which one you were and you’re still a hottie!!!!!"

Audience and committee: Awwwww, how nice.

Ryan:  Yes, flattering Dr. Rob is a sure-fire way to get a GLA.

Biden:  We are struggling with Lindsey, who said the following:

  • "Dr. Rob, no witty caption to share… but you’re older than I thought you were.  I guess I was deceived because your blog is hip, fly and trendy."
  • (After saying that she Googled and found out the guy on the left was Ryan):  "Hold on there, you’re assuming I was referring to Congressman Ryan as being the hottie. And yes, your assumption would be right. But hey, you’re old enough to be my cool, hip & trendy dad so it would be weird to refer to you as a hottie."
  • "Well, all joking aside, I think you’re still cool, hip, trendy AND fly.
    I better stop now while my point count is still in the trillions."

Ryan:  She thought I was a hottie?  I clearly think she should get a GLA.  She is clearly a very intelligent person.

Baucus:  I was going to say the opposite, Mr. Ryan.  With all due respect, the American public prefers the distinguished look of a man with a beard, not the baby-faced expression you have.  She clearly is doing some sort of drug.

Henry Waxman (D-CA): Mr. Ryan, is it true that you use performance-enhancing hair products?

Ryan:  That is out of order, Mr. Waxman.  I have always said that I would undergo routine urine testing to prove my innocence.

Wilson: YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

(Wilson is hit with a tranquilizer dart and falls forward, unconscious)

Ryan:  Thank you, Mr. Cheney.  Mr. Biden, what is the recommendation of the president?

Biden:  President Obama assures you that he does not intend to socialize the GLA but feels that increased government involvement is imperative to keep Dr. Rob honest.

Ryan:  Meaning?

Biden:  He said we should flip a coin.  (Flips a coin).  Your call, Mr. Ryan.

Ryan:  I have to call heads.  It's about the hair, isn't it?

Biden:  Heads it is.  She's in.

(Applause from the audience)

Biden:  There is one more from the blog post, and then there is a special consideration award.  The last commenter to get a GLA is another without a link, named Chloe.  Chloe made the observation that you, Mr. Ryan, look an awful lot like the Avatar for the House Call Doctor.  Please refer to the following picture to see this marked similarity.

(Meeting room erupts with gasps followed by shouts, press correspondents scribbling notes frantically.)

Ryan:  ORDER!  ORDER IN THE MEETING HALL!

(Commotion stops suddenly when there is a sudden gunshot.  A man stands with a rifle aimed at the ceiling, grinning).

Ryan:  Thank you, Mr. Cheney.

Baucus:  Mr. Ryan, with all due respect, how do you explain the incredible likeness?  I am afraid this may require a full investigation.

Ryan:  I deny that I had any part in the choosing of this avatar, but you definitely see why this podcast is gaining popularity.  What a fine-looking guy!

Wilson:  YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Biden:  Mr. Ryan, I suggest you stay away from all public transit for a while.  This image definitely will ignite a panic among the general population.  Can we move to the last nominee?

Ryan:  Please!  This blog post is going on forever.

Biden: The last award is somewhat unprecedented.  It is being awarded to a previous award-winner.

(Murmuring begins in the audience, but stops immediately with a sharp glance from Mr. Cheney)

Biden:  The last award goes to Cerulian Bill.

Ryan:  Why is he being awarded this for a second time?  Doesn't that increase the gap between the haves and have-nots?  I would think Mr. Obama would oppose this nomination.

Biden:  He did, but Dr. Rob negotiated with him, allowing him to have previews on upcoming podcasts in exchange for this second award.  Dr. Rob feels fairly strongly Bill deserves it.

Ryan:  For what?

Biden:  He sent Dr. Rob a funny llama camel picture.  Observe the following:

(Loud laughter fills the chamber.  Even the former Vice President cannot contain himself and, while doubled-over in laughter, he almost shoots the ear off of a friend)

Ryan: (Having difficulty talking through his own giggles) I can see why Dr. Rob insisted.  Shucks.  Nothing brings joy to the heart of man like a funny camel (or llama) picture.

Baucus: That is something that has bipartisan support.

(Audience claps loudly.  As they do, a page whispers in Mr. Ryans ear).

Ryan:  (Banging gavel)  There seems to be a last-minute nomination.  I am not sure what the legality of this is, but Betsy McCaughey is here to explain.

McCaughey:  Thank you Mr. Chairman.  I am here to put forth an alternative choice for llama pictures.  If you read Dr. Rob's blog carefully, you will see that he talks a lot about political issues, including the threat from "Death Panels."  He has just obtained undeniable evidence that this will not only be the case, but that llamas will be involved.  Another reader named Bill (not of the Cerulian persuasion) submitted the following picture that appears on Time Magazine's website:

(Gasps from the audience and shouts from committee members drown out any attempt to regain order).

Dr. Rob:  Congratulations to winners.  You may pick up your logo to display on your blog by emailing me.

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