So I thought I would bring you joy on this Friday in one of the best ways I can think of: goats. Nothing brings more joy to the heart of man than goats. Well, maybe cheese puffs bring more joy, but goats are second only to cheese puffs. It's a close call, really. But before I cheer you up, I need to make you miserably sad, because the first goat tale is a sad tale. It is a tale of intrigue and tragedy. It is the story of the evils of gang violence and the sadness of love lost. This actually came from the Toronto Sun, and naturally, it is a story that takes place New Mexico.
A dwarf goat was killed in a drive-by shooting in Santa Fe, N.M., Sunday evening.
Neighbours said they heard three shots after a minivan pulled up in front of the house. Afterwards they discovered Maria the Nigerian dwarf goat had been shot in the abdomen and face, the Santa Fe New Mexican newspaper reported. It was an hour before the animal died in the arms of its owner as neighbours gathered around.
Maria's owners have two other goats that survived the shooting, as well as 12 chickens, four cats, a dog and a duck, most of which are rescue animals.
Sad. I don't know if the folks in Toronto found this of interest because of the poignant image of a goat baaing it's last baa in the arms of a weeping owner, or because there is also a rise in gang/goat violence in Canada. Perhaps they have a soft-spot for Nigerian dwarf goats; I know I do. We can only speculate about this, as can we wonder what exactly Maria knew that someone wanted to cover up. Why spare the other animals? Were the other goats dwarf goats? Were they from Nigeria? Or were they Hungarian giant goats? There just isn't enough information and it is quite suspicious.
This wasn't lost, obviously, on a goat in Madison county, Georgia:
Authorities won't press charges against the owner of a goat that attacked an 88-year-old Colbert man last month, though city leaders plan to bolster animal control as a result.
The sheriff's office planned to press charges against the goat's 69-year-old owner for of allowing livestock to roam free, but decided against it, Madison County Sheriff Kip Thomas said.
"The (Davis) family didn't want to, so we didn't," Thomas said.
The goat escaped when a tree branch fell and broke the fence around its pen.
Tree branch? Right. Don't people realize the connection between these two stories? Why haven't the Canadians shown interest? This really smells of a cover-up.
My third story was picked up by the Wall Street Journal, and it also (suspiciously) involves my home state of Georgia. It appears there is a restaurant in Wisconsin that is famous for having goats on the roof. People call it: "That restaurant with the goats on the roof." I am not quite sure they call it this, but the owner of this establishment decided to capitalize on the goat notoriety (goatoriety?), trademarking the "goat on the roof" motif. He then caught wind of some trouble in the state of Georgia:
Last year, he discovered that Tiger Mountain Market in Rabun County, Ga., had been grazing goats on its grass roof since 2007. Putting goats on the roof wasn't illegal. The violation, Al Johnson's alleged in a lawsuit in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Georgia, was that Tiger Mountain used the animals to woo business.
The suit declared: "Notwithstanding Al Johnson's Restaurant's prior, continuous and extensive use of the Goats on the Roof Trade Dress"—a type of trademark—"defendant Tiger Mountain Market opened a grocery store and gift shop in buildings with grass on the roofs and allows goats to climb on the roofs of its buildings."
Al Johnson's "demanded that Defendant cease and desist such conduct, but Defendant has willfully continued to offer food services from buildings with goats on the roof," the suit continued.
The article makes no mention if the goats are Nigerian, nor if their size is of note. But you must see the whole connection here; the goats are at the eye of a storm of gang-related violence perpetrated by Swedish restauranteurs. Was Maria the Nigerian dwarf goat about to snitch? Was the killer goat of Madison County sent as an "enforcer" to give a "little reminder" that infringement on the "goat on the roof" idea will be "dealt with swiftly and savagely?" Where are the Canadians when you need them??
Here is, in fact, a video showing a masked goat terrifying other goats in an attempt to keep them quiet:
Terrifying. Utterly terrifying. You see the terror unleashed by this heartless goat wearing a mask. What is the world coming to??
My final story is about goat intimidation going wild:
Just why are these goats fainting? Do we really believe the story of so-called "myoclonus?" Are these people really kind owners who like to laugh at the expense of a genetic defect, or are they in the clutches of the Swedish restauranteur gang that has these goats terrorized to the point of syncope?
I think only the Canadians can give us the answer to that.