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Ask Dr. Val: Why Can't I Lose Weight?

Dr. Rob has done a wonderful job of answering many difficult questions right here on his blog (such as “Why does my husband think that putting ketchup on tacos is a normal thing to do?”) with many profound insights. Today I’d like to follow in his great footsteps with an “Ask Dr. Rob Val” question. As some of you may know, I am leading an online weight loss group (called “Lose 20 Pounds”). I have been trying my best to “lead by example” by actually following the 3 recommendations of my own program and commiserating with the members about the process.

The most frequently asked question in my group is: Why can’t I lose weight? I’d like to answer that question here with more candor than I’ve been able to muster elsewhere: The Law Of Conservation of Mass

Students of physics, and doctors who were not asleep during all of their pre-med classes, will recall their professor’s lecture on the “law of conservation of mass.” This law of physics states that: “matter cannot be created or destroyed, although it may be rearranged.” This is the primary reason why no one can truly lose weight. The law of conservation of mass means that even if you do lose weight, someone else has to gain it, because matter (fat) cannot be destroyed, only rearranged.

So to begin this discussion, you should realize that no one’s going to truly lose any weight – weight is never lost, it’s just transferred elsewhere. The name of the game is how to give that fat to someone else.

Ways To Transfer Fat To Others

1. Friendship

First of all, you probably have friends or relatives who have figured this out a long time ago. You’ll recognize them by their “gifts” of cheesecake, cookies, or any chocolate product. They regularly shower these on you, describing them as “caring gestures” and occasionally wearing clown outfits to distract or disarm you. But make no mistake, this is nothing more than a fat transfer ruse. You must resist those gifts and tell those sneaky friends that you simply will not buy a new wardrobe of clothes to accommodate their “generosity.”

2. Food

Secondly, there is a little known food industry conspiracy – yes, that’s right, a conspiracy – designed to transfer fat on a national scale. This strategy began with a team of physicists who recognized that the only way to remain thin (Have you ever seen a fat physicist? Did you know Ramona Bates was a physicist? I rest my case.) was to keep the fat transfer going through an organized approach.

Back in the 1950s a small, renegade group of physicists broke away from the search for advanced nuclear weaponry and turned their attention to applying the law of conservation of mass to maintaining thinness for themselves and their future families. This was the group that first conceived of the “super size” movement, best embodied by the American muffin. In the 1950s, muffins were the size of a “donut hole” and now they’re the size of a 9-month- old’s head. Just check them out in your nearest Starbucks if you think I’m exaggerating. If you’re lucky, you can find a 9-month-old and a muffin in there at the same time.

3. Sloth

Thirdly, fat transfer may be achieved by assisting people towards inactivity. The Association of Escalator Manufacturers hosts a secret conference each year to plan a strategy for fat transfer in subways, airports, and large buildings – especially malls in the Midwest and New Jersey. Occasionally they invite splinter groups like the Segway Association of America and the Jet Ski Manufacturers Guild. Keeping people from walking, taking stairs, or swimming are great ways to ensure a constant pipeline for fat transfer. When this pipeline dries up, the inactivity militants know that there will be no further recourse but to enter the fast food business.

So there you have it my friends, the cold, hard truth about why you can’t lose weight: it's a matter of physics. The best you can do is give your fat to someone else. As for me, I’ve been baking cookies… would you like one?

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Speaking of Mice...

While I continue to mull over a good "Ask Dr. Rob Val" post... (thanks for the warm welcome!) I thought I'd continue with the lab animal theme. I have always felt sorry for the little fellas, especially the rats. Here's a cartoon of one "getting even:"

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While The Cat's Away

This is Dr. Val! The "homeless blogging" sure is a lot of fun. I have the best blog friends EVER. First Grunt Doc gave me the "Keys To The Kingdom" and now Dr. Rob gave me the green light to post on his blog while he's gone. Gosh, it's quite an honor - I hope he doesn't live to regret it. What's the worst that could happen? I could write about dancing goats and the auditory dangers of accordion music. Oh wait...  I guess Dr. Rob's already covered that. Heh. I'm going to think about a good "Ask Dr. Rob Val" post. If you have any burning questions, feel free to put them in the comments section and maybe I'll write a blog post just for you!  Thanks for being nice to me while Rob's gone. I know I can't fill his shoes - but I'll try to keep the blog warm. In case you're wondering, I'm guest blogging tomorrow at InsureBlog and am planning a post for Dr. Ramona Bates' blog soon thereafter. Potential cameos may also occur at Dr. Wes, Dr. Campbell, Dr. Shock, PixelRN and Laika's Blog. Looks like this homeless blogger has found some kind hosts... Was it my offer to scrub your spam folders? See you all around the blogosphere!

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Touching story in The Onion

 

Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy

WASHINGTON—Members of Congress assured Americans that they have a definitive plan for reviving the slumping economy when they unveiled on Monday a bold new fiscal stimulus package that calls for the purchase of a pair of alpacas.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said the proposal, which is expected to solve the sub-prime mortgage crisis, boost consumer confidence, and pump much-needed liquid capital into the market, will be put into motion as soon as the first issue of Alpaca World magazine arrives and Congress has a chance to go through the catalog and select the perfect mating pair.

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Proponents of the new economic stimulus package show off the comfort and versatility of alpaca fleece.

"We're confident that breeding alpacas will jump-start the economy and lift this nation out of debt once we get the start-up money," said McConnell, who insists the exotic livestock require very little maintenance and are of a gentler temperament than their cousin the llama. "All you need is a fertile male and a female in heat, and nature takes it course. Before you know it, the money is rolling in and there's alpacas everywhere."

After weeks of debate, a bipartisan commission finally chose the alpaca initiative over a number of other proposals, including handcrafting turquoise jewelry, an extensive job-training program in the nation's most impoverished regions, and opening a U.S. Congress seller's account on Ebay. McConnell said the group was swayed toward the idea of mating alpacas and also shearing them for their valuable fleece because it required the fewest resources and was a "super-easy" way to rake in cash.

"It is time to stop bickering and take real steps to revive the U.S. dollar—which is why we're sending a fact-finding delegation out to the alpaca farm in Hagerstown [MD] next weekend," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said. "Senator Chuck Hagel's brother-in-law said we could borrow his truck to pick up the alpacas from the National Zoological Society on Saturday."

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An alpaca

"I can't believe we ever wasted our time with tariffs, raising interest rates, and tax hikes," Pelosi added. "This is such a no-brainer."

Under the new proposal, a Senate subcommittee will be formed to attend to the day-to-day care of the alpacas, providing food and water, cleaning up their communal dung pile, and securing the animals in their pen inside the Senate chamber at night. In addition, Congressman Robert Andrews (D-NJ) made his office available for storing buckets and shovels, saying the space is usually empty anyway since he prefers to work from home.

A Senate majority has already voted to name the alpacas Jefferson and Bongo.

Advocates also claimed that using the alpacas' fleece for knitted and woven items would energize the textile industry and eliminate the nation's dependence on foreign- produced ponchos.

"If we are truly committed and learn to spin our own fibers, we can cut out the middleman and sell socks, hats, and gloves directly to the American public," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "People don't realize how much softer alpaca wool is because they've never had a chance to try it. Once they do, though—let's just say this war could be paid for in no time."

While initial reaction has been positive, critics of the plan have pointed out that Congress has still not paid back the money it borrowed from the American public to start that silk-screen T-shirt business it was so excited about in 2004, and many were concerned that this will just be a repeat of the Bedazzling the Economy Act of 2000.

The bill's sponsors, however, claimed that they had thought it all through, and that this economic stimulus package "can't miss."

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A special committee was sent to a nearby alpaca farm to scout mating pairs and pet some alpacas.

"If for some reason it doesn't work out—which it will—we can always allocate some additional spending for a goat and convert the venture into an executive petting zoo," Sen. Pat Roberts (R-KS) said. "Those other projects required too much overhead. With alpacas, it's just grass, and we already have the whole National Mall right across the street."

Sen. Mel Martinez (R-FL), a well-known fiscal conservative, remained one of the sole voices against the proposal.

"This harebrained scheme is shortsighted, ill conceived, and an absolute waste of time and effort," Martinez said. "Which is why from the beginning I said, let's raise emus. Not only do you have meat and eggs, but you can probably get some money for those feathers too."

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke on Monday called the new plan "intriguing," but stressed that the nation's economic policy should continue to center around Sen. Robert Byrd's (R-WV) practice of selling soda and candy bars out of his office, which accounted for almost 30 percent of last year's gross domestic product.

There is obviously hope for the world.

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